Puffs

 I always liked writing. But it feels so long that I've written for myself. 

I've always been complaining, writing to get something off my chest. Always writing with a purpose outside of myself. 

But today, I just want to write for myself. To feel happy. 

Today I puffed two smokes for the very first time. It was peach flavoured, and it had a minty scent left on my lips. 

I could almost feel the after-effect pretty fast. Like my heart rate increasing. It was an interesting experience, and I can see how people do it as a social thing. 

Today, Nao probed me a lot. He asked what was ny dream. He asked what troubled me, why am I here. 

I told him frankly that I had to escape from my life. Because I was going through such a hard time. He said he hasn't tried putting himself into my shoes, and he said it must have been hard, especially with a language barrier. That made me cry a bit. Maybe the words that I had a hard time, was validating enough. 

I don't know if I've been shutting down my feelings for so long, just to move on. I thought I was alright. I think I'm still alright. But it is definitely harder in the sense that being a foreigner here, not being fluent, been looked down by people because I couldn't catch their words... it's hard in general, but I still love it here. 

I thought about the ocean. It was stunning under the 晴れ日. But I know that the people will change in just 2 months, with my friend leaving, and a new one coming. And I've not figured out the group dynamics.

I think to myself that it'll be hard all over again. If I don't get along with the new guy, I'm almost alone. Maybe?

I think about the gym guy. I kept requesting from chatgpt about how compatible we were based on our birthdays, but it kept changing. So I don't know. All I know is that we should keep it slow burning. Because I used to be like that. I didn't like a person until 6 months in. I liked his discipline and being rly, stoic. His height also helped. 

I think it's like 40% lust, and 60% of gravitating to his energy. The calm and no nonsense energy. It grounds me more. 

I think about love. And I think that the more you chase, the more it goes away. And hence, I'm not chasing him, I just like to see him, and I will try to create moments of interaction with him, without chasing. I enjoy knowing him more? But he's still closed off. 

I wonder about how my life would have been. 5 or 10 years down. 

I hope that I'll be happy again, and settled down with a partner that is emotionally available, and someone who treasures me.

Maybe my trauma has been about people who abandoned me. An emotionally volatile father. It made me so unsafe and he also kept crossing my boundaries and that's why I shut down. I can't do with a partner who is like that. 

I struggle with my supervisor who may be 看齐我. 

I think about the crow that flew off with the unagi pack, and my friend running to retrieve our food. 

I think about receiving his affection, how it may feel with his hands on me. The awkwardness has been better, it only started being better since the last 2 weeks. And that was because I finally managed to catch him alone in the gym. 

It took us almost... 2 months since the hanami. To kinda bring down the awkwardness. 

My black cat energy is uncontrollable. I choose selectively the people to spend time with.